How Soon is Too Soon to Sleep with a Guy?


In a time when instant gratification rules almost all aspects of one’s social life, the days of waiting to have sex until you can get a wedding band on your finger first, seem outdated and even hypocritical. Yet there is a crucial distinction between a personal relationship and a favorite fast food. Relationships bring with them numerous implications for both the heart and the body because of which immediate consummation may not be such a good idea. So here are a few aspects worth considering before you decide to have sex in a new relationship.

Victorian fiction is replete with instances when a respectable girl had to dangle the bait of marriage to a man who could barely wait to get her in bed. In these far more liberal times, a woman can have sex if she wants without fear of social ostracism or loss of future prospects. However the sword of sexual emancipation cuts both ways. It has also left women prey to being used as means for mere sexual gratification by their male lovers who now know there are no expectations attached. So before allowing your boyfriend to come over for a nightcap, think long and hard if this is all he wants. He may be only interested in having sex instead of looking forward to be in a relationship with you. To weed out such guys, try to delay having sex for at least a couple of months after you meet someone new. Most guys who are simply looking for casual sex will get tired of waiting and move on to easier targets.

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The social permissiveness of today’s society means that if you 'play hard to get' into bed, then there are dozens of other girls out there just waiting to give your guy what he wants. This might make you want to give in to demands to have sex with your boyfriend - no matter how premature you feel this is. You may feel that by showing how sexually compatible you both are, you will be to retain his interest and have him around for a longer while. The trouble with this argument is that if a guy is not interested in you as a person, no matter how hot the sex is, it is only a matter of time before he moves on to fresher pastures. More than that, it is good thing to remember that irrespective of how big a catch a guy is, if you need to use sex to retain his interest, he is not worth being with in the first place.

Having sex with a guy before you have come to know him really well could also leave you exposed to various health hazards. Sexually transmitted diseases vary in their lethality and curability but all have the potential to leave you with life-long complications. Infections like HIV are still fatal and many like gonorrhea and syphilis can make you infertile for life. Then there is the aspect of unwanted pregnancies to consider. Abortions and adoption carry with them varying levels of stress and while you may be capable of bringing up a child on your own, it is hardly fair to bring a being into this world without being sure if you can give him/her a family. So  think twice before you agree to sleep with a new guy, no matter how attractive and romantic he seems.  If you feel that you are not yet comfortable discussing safe sex with your guy, then it is too early for you to be sleeping with him anyway.

Yet another aspect to consider before making love to a new partner is your expectations from this relationship. Are you willing to make out with this guy in the hope that he will eventually develop feelings for you and hang around or because you have discussed the future of your relationship with him and you both have agreed to take it to the next level. Alternatively you could also be eager for a relationship with no strings attached which will simply let you have a good time without getting into any emotional entanglement. If this is so then by all means go ahead – only be careful not to manipulate your partner or yourself into expecting otherwise later.

Finally relationships do not exist in a vacuum. They are influenced, even if no longer governed, by social mores, religious codes and traditional norms of a community. In some cultures, having sex before marriage is a sign of moral degeneration and can invite private rebuke or even public punishment. Even in civil societies where personal freedom is guaranteed by law, having sex too early into relationships can be looked upon as a sign of sexual promiscuity and can keep away potential partners who are looking for a stable and meaningful relationship. While sex and love are much more intertwined in case of women, men are better able to keep the two separate from each other. So if you happen to meet a guy you would really like to know better and then go on to have sex with him after your second date, he may be traditionally conditioned to consider you as a casual partner and no more.

There can be no single answer to when is the right time to sleep with a guy in a relationship. For some, a week may be too long to wait while for many, marriage marks the consummation of a relationship. For the vast majority however, it is somewhere in between and relationship experts usually recommend waiting for at least three dates. This window period will allow you to get a sense of who this person is and if you enjoy being with him. Ultimately it all boils down to when you feel emotionally ready to give yourself completely to another person. Whether or not you intend the relationship to move towards a deeper commitment, do it only for the right reasons and of that you are the best judge.