How to Meet Closeted Gay Men


Initiating a relationship always carries a measure of uncertainty – the person may be uninterested or already seeing someone. In case of gay dating though there is the added complexity of how comfortable he is with his sexuality and in being seeing with a gay partner publicly. But this does not mean that you stop taking a chance. So here are some ways you can meet closeted gay men or those who are yet to come out.

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Look in the right places

If you are genuinely interested in dating, then it would not do to sit and home and hope a handsome mail delivery man comes knocking on the door. Even if you are signed up with an online gay dating site, in order to meet someone in real life, you will have to get outdoors. And the more you frequent the right places, the higher are your chances of meeting someone who you can ask out. So first of all, make yourself visible – become a regular at cafes, bars and clubs where gays tend to gather. Alternatively, your town or city has a distinct gay neighborhood, you could check out art galleries, bookstores and other hangouts in order to meet someone with mutual interests. Likewise you can also sign up for theater, dance or fashion courses since certain interests and professions seem to attract gays more than others. Once you begin frequenting the right places, it will not be long before you spot someone you would like to ask out. You can start by making yourself increasingly visible to him – check out if he is  a regular at the café or bar and turn up at those times yourself. Then again if the guy is a book lover, make it a point to frequent the bookshop or library when he is around. By putting yourself in the right venue, you will be taking the first step to meeting gays who may have not yet accepted their sexuality. The more visually familiar you are, the easier it will be to signal your interest.

Read the signs

Even when you are frequented the right places, it may be difficult to approach a guy unless you are more or less certain about his sexual orientation. Closeted gays make this much more difficult because they are careful about hiding their sexual preferences. In such a situation you may have to cue into their body language. Watch out for guys who are keen on making eye contact. A cruising gay guy can look another guy in the eyes and the look on its own can spell out sexual attraction. So if you catch the eye of a man you like the look of, hold the gaze for a second or smile at him. If you receive a return smile, say ‘hello’ and make a general remark about the place you are at or something else. If his response is positive, suggest that you drop in for a coffee or drink at someplace nearby. Again the context may be of help sometimes; for instance if you are at a gym, keep a lookout for guys who are watching other guys working out. Straight guys instinctively don't want to be caught checking out other guys so they'll tend to keep their eyes to themselves if they're not checking out a woman. On the other hand, gays – whether closeted or out - can't help looking at the other guys, especially in the changing room and showers. Other signs pointing to a closeted gay could range from mild flirting to a powerful sexual connection which is difficult to describe but impossible to ignore.

How to open a conversation

The thing with meeting closeted gays is that you cannot afford to come on too strong. Try making it work for you by frequenting gay-friendly venues and then approaching someone who looks more comfortable, someone who looks like he belongs in the particular bar, club, coffee shop or wherever you are. Begin by telling him that you're new at the place. Ask him some questions about it, such as what's good to order, whether this is a typical night or whatever else occurs to you. If you've guessed right and he's familiar with the locale, he may tell you about the place, show you around or talk about his experience there. If you were wrong, you can share your observations about the place to start a conversation – either way you will be tentatively starting a connection and depending upon your mutual vibes, you can decide whether to take it further.

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Go online

The LGBT community has been one of the primary beneficiaries of online dating. Singles can look for partners of their choice without fear or hesitation and they have a far larger pool of potential partners to choose from than before. Most of all, the anonymity the virtual world provides makes this a particularly good resource for meeting closeted gay men. So look for an appropriate gay dating site and post your profile and picture. To make your dating profile effective as well as creative, make sure that you leave no ambiguity regarding your expectations in a partner. And this is especially true of gay dating which is made even more complex by issues of family, coming out and cultural acceptance. Specify the age group, occupation, physical characteristics and other criteria to which you would like your partner to belong. Even if you are on a gay dating site, be clear about your expectations on sexual orientation – for instance whether you want your partner to be strictly a gay guy or if being bisexual is alright too. Don’t be vague on qualities you are looking for, like somebody who is ‘interesting’, ‘caring’, responsible’. It is doubtful whether anybody would be honest enough to own up to be boring, unfeeling and irresponsible and move on. Rather be specific about the qualities you are looking for like someone who has gone to college, who has travelled widely or one who has had a music album published. However bear in mind that closeted gay men would be unlikely to respond with their real name and photos. So if you happen to come across somebody on the site that you would like to know better, it may take some time before the person is ready to extend the relationship from the online to the real world.