Relationships go bad more often than you may like to believe. But when you are already affianced to someone, breaking up can make you appear heartless, selfish and a whole lot of other negative things. At the same time, you probably already know in the core of your heart that your relationship is beyond repair and the sooner it ends, the quicker everyone can move on. Here are a few tips on how to break up with your fiancé.
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Be clear about your reasons
You may have had a vague feeling for quite some time now that things are not good as they were. But unless you are clear in your mind about the reason why you have fallen out of love with your fiancé, he will not only have the higher moral ground but later you may be assailed by doubts yourself over whether you did the right thing. So take some time out to be by yourself. Contemplate on the negative emotions your fiancé arouses in you and then find a reasonable explanation. Is he controlling, flirtatious with other women or financially not yet responsible for a committed relationship? Once you have thought things through, decide what you can do about it. Would you like to talk to him about it and see if he is able to mend his ways? But if you are reading this, you have probably already crossed that stage. So prepare yourself to reach a decision and be sure to stick to it.
Let him be the first to know
No matter how big a jerk your fiancé has been, he should be the first to know about your decision to break up. You might discuss a couple of unhappy incidents with your pals or let your parents know that things are not as hunky-dory as before, but having them carry the news to your fiancé would be an unwise, not to mention an extremely immature thing to do. Even if your relationship has hit rock-bottom now, once at least you thought well enough of your fiancé to get engaged to him. So it is only fair that he should be the first one to know of your decision to part ways and no man deserves any less.
Do it in person
You may be sorely tempted to use an impersonal way to break up considering how far apart you have moved away from each other emotionally. However using a text message, email, a phone call or voicemail to let your fiancé know that you want to call off the engagement would not only smack of cowardice but in fact leave him puzzled about the real reason for the breakup. The only way to do this would be in person – on one hand this will tell him that you are mature and serious enough to know what you are doing, and on the other it will provide you both a much-needed closure and help - in different ways though - to move on.
The right time and place
If you don’t want to hurt your fiancé more than necessary, you could consider an appropriate time for conveying your decision. If he is the emotional type, consider doing it around a Friday so that he can have the weekend at least to regain his composure. On the other hand if he uses action to work through his issues, you could choose a Monday so that a busy workweek ahead would keep his mind off the breakup. However remember that there is no perfect time to announce a breakup and no matter how well you plan it out, it will bring its own share of anger and hurt.
The choice of the location though could be more useful in creating the right impact. Choose a neutral zone like a restaurant or the neighborhood park where neither of you can claim an unfair advantage. It would have been extremely selfish of you if you had chosen your place to announce the breakup whereas doing it at his place would have made you hesitant and unsure. A neutral place will ensure that you both are comfortable enough to express your feelings. If need be, you can select a secluded corner at the café or talk while walking in the park so that there is a degree of privacy.
Keep it simple
While your fiancé deserves an explanation for your decision to part ways, there is no need to go into the history of your relationship and recount all the incidents that led to the present situation. Let the focus be on the fact that you think it best to part ways; long-winded and complicated explanations would only serve to fudge the picture or worse convince your fiancé that you are not completely sure about the decision and the reasons yourself.
If your relationship has been going steadily downhill, it is unlikely that your fiancé is completely unaware of the fact himself. However the decision to break up is a big one and no matter how clued in he is, the announcement of a broken engagement is sure to take him by surprise. Be prepared for a whole range of emotions starting from denial and disbelief to accusations, anger, jealousy and pain. How he actually responds will depend upon his psychological makeup; he could either try to convince you to stay on or launch an attack on you in turn. Be calm and steady on your decision to break up. While you might be willing to answer some of his questions, don’t get drawn into a cycle of accusations and counter-accusations; recognize these for what they truly are – a self-defensive technique to make the hurt and anger more bearable for himself. On the other hand he may go completely quiet and save his outburst for later when you are not around. Don’t attempt to cajole an expression from him – simply let him know that you are ready to talk when he is.
Finally stand firm on your decision. Upon hearing your words, your now-ex may plead, argue or suggest that you merely take a time out. Remember that there is a reason why you decided to take the final step and that there is nothing worse than an off-on relationship. Also no matter how terrible you feel, resist the temptation to promise your former fiancé that you will call him soon or that you can meet up again. A clean break will not only hurt less but in fact help you both to move on as quickly as possible.