Not too long ago, if you wanted to track down people you lost touch with, you had to be prepared to undergo some heavy-duty detective work - pulling out phone books, calling old friends’ parents and asking around to the few people you kept in touch with from your high school days. However with the arrival of social networking sites, you only need to type in some buttons to be able to track down some of the people who were a big part of our youth—including an old flame. But this is an affair territory and before you end up starting a raging extra-marital fire, here are some aspects of meeting an old flame that may be worth considering beforehand.
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Keep popular notions in their place
There are many who would look askance at your intention of meeting up with an old flame. According to these people, no matter how far two people have moved on, put them in a room together and before long dormant hormones would start raging. Such a notion is inherently untrue on a number of accounts – it not only reduces individuals to the level of mainly sexual beings but is overly simplistic in defining and delineating the nature of human relationships. If two people have shared a past, friends and interests at one time, there is no reason why they cannot spend half an hour reliving the memories and keep their relationship purely non-sexual at the same time.
Beware of guilt
It is only when you start feeling guilty about getting in touch with an old flame, that you invite complexities into the picture. Since this is your heart, you know best the dynamics of the relationship and if you honestly believe that your intentions are purely honorable in meeting an old flame for a coffee, then there is no reason to feel guilty if you are married. A true friendship is purely based on a mutual respect, interests or a shared background and there is no need to feel guilty about any of these.
Maintain certain boundaries
Despite starting with the best of intentions, a meeting or two with an old flame may quickly head towards an affair. This is mainly because you two already share an intimate past and also because you both are keenly aware that all said and done, it is after all a relationship between members of opposite sexes; if you and your flame are not careful to maintain certain boundaries, very soon they can find their friendship turning into an emotional affair and then it is only a matter of time before it turns sexual as well. one of the things that you need to keep in mind when interacting with an old flame is to limit your interaction to what is reasonable – this includes not calling or receiving calls/texts from the person outside working hours, not talking to him/her daily or for hours at a time and most importantly not spending extensive time alone with him/her. Above all see that you don’t share anything with your ex that you wouldn’t share with your spouse. Better still invite your old flame to get to know your family and make sure your spouse is ok with the renewal of contact – this way your spouse will be in the loop and you will not be doing anything – unknowingly – that you may regret later. Also do not vent to your ex about your current or former relationships; whether you intend to or not, that can send a sign that you are open to an affair.
Watch out for red flags
Every so often even when exes are aware of boundaries that are not to be crossed, sometimes they inadvertently are swept along towards dangerous territory. Keep in mind certain cues to behavior that could signal it is time to back off. For instance if you start exchanging phone conversations and emails with an old flame that couldn't be read or heard by your spouse without causing discomfort, then it is highly likely that your interactions are getting inappropriate. Moreover if your spouse is unaware of the contact or the amount of contact, and you both intentionally keep that you’re your partner then that is a huge red flag in your relationship.
Excessive secrecy can do you in
Once you begin to meet and talk to an old flame more than normal, you will start feeling the pressures of secrecy. You will have to plan very meticulously how to meet him or her and where to go without the possibility of being seen by a familiar face or suspected by your spouse. All this secrecy might seems delicious in the first few days and even add an element of ‘getting away with it’ that spices up your interaction. However over time all this plotting and planning can build up a significant amount of stress. You cannot meet up or even chat with your ex without your spouse raising eyebrows and simply because you feel like doing so. Instead of you have to go through a lot of hard work for just a couple of hours’ worth company and while this might seem exciting at first, eventually all the effort may not seem worth the while at all.
Be honest with yourself
Above all if you are married and eager to get back in touch with an old flame married man, ask yourself what you are really looking for in this relationship. In case where a friend is from the opposite sex with whom you share an interest in some activity, ideology or a past as being neighbors while growing up or going to the same school, then it is natural that you have something in common and a mutual platform for social interaction. However if the interaction is merely based on your romantic past and is way more than occasional or if you are looking towards your ex to fulfill the lack of a partner, then you may be playing with fire. Not all affairs start with an explicit intention of cheating on a spouse and while you may think nothing of reminiscing old times with an ex, very soon this may transform from simple nostalgia to an emotional affair.