How to Deal with Sexual Frustration

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After food, sex is perhaps the next basic need of adult mammals and that includes humans too. And yet the personal nature of the act makes it difficult for everyone to feel the same about it. The mismatch when worsened by poor communication between partners, leads to sexual frustration which initially puts off the frustrated partner and then ruins the entire relationship. If you find your relationship going the same way, here are a few tips on dealing with sexual frustration.

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Make allowances

Sex is not simply a physical act of release – there are a whole lot of other aspects to it like emotions, senses, hormones, perceptions and cultural upbringing. Thus it is no wonder that what may turn on one partner can equally gross the other out. For this reason acting out a particular fantasy or making use of a specific prop can be viewed differently by both partners. Or popular notions of how many times happy couples “are doing it” may turn out to be quite different from what is happening in real life. Unfortunately when such differences in perceptions become too wide, it can lead to sexual frustration for one partner or other. However if both partners begin to understand and make allowances for differing sexual likes and dislikes as well as get rid of pre-conceived notions about what kind of and how much sex they should have , they will be better prepared to try various things in a spirit of fun and experimentation and thus reduce the scope of frustration.

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Seek a middle ground

Most of the times though when diverging sexual preferences become too great, that sexual frustration builds up – the partner whose requests are being denied will feel that his/her sexual needs are being neglected while the partner who does something against his/her will more than once will start feeling pressured into the act. In such a situation, see if you both can meet somewhere in the middle. Suppose your partner is happy making love two or three times a month while you would like to get intimate around three times a week. An acceptable compromise would be to get together once a week or ten days. Even though compromise means that neither of you gets what you really want and for the same reason is considered a dirty word in contemporary relationships, it is at least a start to accommodating differing needs and shows a desire to work at a relationship. And finally it is certainly a better option as compared to sitting and brooding or worse, turning to affairs and divorces out of frustration.

Communication is key

The most effective way to prevent sexual frustration from ruining a relationship is to talk to a partner. Effective communication is important not only in order to have a healthy relationship but is absolutely crucial when issues such that sexual preferences are creating barrier between partners. So decide on the right time and place and put forward your needs and requests to your partner in clear and objective terms. Don’t use this as an occasion to dredge up past hurts or irrelevant incidents. Most of all, be as specific as possible. Avoid making generalized or absolute statements like “you always do this” or “I can never agree to this” which are neither accurate nor helpful.
Rather point out a specific aspect of a sexual act which you find uncomfortable or focus on a particular area where you would like greater involvement from your partner. If you find him/her making vague or sweeping statements, ask specific questions to clarify the issue and find out the exact problem. The again if the discussion you want to have with your partner is about exploring a sexual fantasy or something new that you want to do together, then you both need to agree not to judge or belittle each others sexual wants. While this does not mean that you have to accede to every request of your partner or act out whatever he/she may want you to do but make sure you respect differences in sexual interest. Lastly learn to listen well – the discussion may throw up important clues on what is really bothering your partner like a physiological problem or stress at work which you may have interpreted as sexual disinterest.

Look outside the bedroom

Once of the most common causes of sexual frustration is differing sex drives between partners – one may want it more or less than the other. The thing to keep in mind is that low libido is often related to mental and physical exhaustion brought about by pressures at work or at home. Here the higher-desire partner can take on some of the parental responsibilities and domestic chores which probably leave the other partner too worn-out to look forward to sex. At the same time the lower-desire partner can hire help or delegate responsibilities to be able to enjoy some leisure and pamper oneself, all of which are great for putting one in the mood for sex. If stress or long hours at work are the usual causes of low libido, see if you can take on fewer commitments or keep weekends absolutely free for your partner.

Nurture intimacy

An unhappy fall-out of sexual frustration is that couples begin to display fewer evidence of non-sexual affection towards each other. The partner with the lower desire for instance may fear that any instance of cuddling or hugging will be interpreted as a sexual invitation while the higher desire partner feels no need for showing affection since he/she knows sex will not follow. However the truth is that engaging in acts of non-sexual acts of affection like kissing, holding hands on a walk or cuddling in front of the TV works both ways to enrich a couple’s sex life – the partner with lower libido feels loved and cherished by acts of affection which in turn helps him/her to be emotionally connected and thus more amenable to future sexual encounters. The partner with the greater sex drive on the other hand knows that such acts of non-sexual affection are important investments needed for a fulfilling sex life.

Plan sex dates

When you and your partner have managed to reach a middle ground over what and how much you both want sexually, then follow it up by scheduling love making sessions. Initially this may seem a highly contrived and artificial way of doing things, but couples who have to juggle work, family, friends and socializing are better off planning when they can get together for some intimacy rather than waiting forever for the right time and getting frustrated when that refuses to happen. Scheduling sex in fact works equally well for both partners – the one who want more sex can look forward to a night of fireworks while the one who wants it less gets a break from fending off amorous advances and can even do what is necessary - like a warm relaxing bath or a visit to the spa – to get into the mood.

Look for help

Sexual frustration builds up when a person’s real or perceived sexual needs are not being met in the relationship. These needs could either be related to frequency or variety in love making sessions. Consult a doctor or a healthcare provider since differing levels of libido often have a physiological basis. Pregnancy, lactation, menopause have been known to plummet a woman’s sex drive while other health problems like arthritis, obesity or cardiac conditions can affect men as well. Sexual dysfunction like inability to attain an erection or a sexual orgasm can also putt a person off sex. All these conditions are difficult to treat on your own and you would get much better results by consulting a physician. The same applies to psychological conditions like depression or a mid-life crisis which can also cause absence of interest in sex causing the other partner to feel frustrated and neglected. Relationship issues like jealousy and infidelity are other causes of differing sex drives which again require the intervention of a counselor or therapist.