If your Partner is a Prude in Bed

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Physical intimacy is an essential part of any successful relationship. While there are no rules on how and how often you should be making love, if such episodes have become extremely unfulfilling to either partner, perhaps it is time to take stock of the situation. Here are a few things you should consider if the passion in your relationship has dissipated and your partner is not interested in intimacy.

Different strokes for different folks

Sex has been made into the subject of so much analysis, theory and discussions that it is difficult to consider it objectively. There is too much being written and talked about how much, how often and how long couples should have sex. So at the very outset, accept that whatever works for you both is the great and there is no reason why you should be perturbed if your best friend has run through all the positions of the Kamasutra whereas you both have been having plain vanilla. At the same time keep in mind that sometimes two separate individuals may naturally have different sex drives. Don’t assume that your partner is a prude for wanting it less or simpler than you do. Once you begin to get rid of fixed notions of what sex in a relationship should and should not be like, it will be much easier to look for and work out a solution.

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Physical and Psychological causes

Before you arrive at the position that your partner is prude in bed, consider other factors why he/she may be behaving so. The physical aspect is the most obvious place to start with if you notice your partner reluctant to have active sex with you. Perhaps she is facing problems with sexual stimulation or painful penetration and wants to make the episode as short as possible. Again your partner may have an underlying medical condition or is on medication that has negatively affected his libido. Pregnancy, lactation, menopause have been known to plummet a woman’s sex drive while other health problems like arthritis, obesity or cardiac conditions can affect men as well. Sexual dysfunction like inability to attain an erection or a sexual orgasm can also putt a person off sex. The solution here is to help your partner to talk about it. Try to keep the channels of communication open so that he/she feels comfortable enough to discuss the condition with you and if necessary consult a physician.

If your partner has been under great stress recently, it is possible that the condition is affecting his/her sexual desire too. Choking deadlines at work, financial worries or health issues affecting other family members may be leaving him/her mentally and physically exhausted with the result that at the end of the day, he/she no longer wants to do anything but go through the motions of lovemaking and crash for the night. Here again the best way you can go about the situation is by offer your unflinching support. If you are living together, see if taking on some of the chores at home would lessen your partner’s burden and put him/her in the mood for enjoyable sex. However if it is not a passing phase, look for ways to tell your partner that while he/she can be assured of your love  it is also important for you both to spend time together as a couple. A vacation even for a weekend usually works wonders to revive a flagging sex life and rejuvenate a relationship.

Emotional distance

Women especially can be reluctant to give their all in bed if they feel that their partners look upon them as merely a source of sexual release. So if you have been neglecting your wife/girlfriend the entire week, but expect her to be ready to have wild sex over the weekend, she can be hardly faulted for showing disinterest. Again women are often under the impression that it is only they who need to bond emotionally before they can take pleasure in sex. However the same can be true for many men too, especially if they are on the sensitive side. If you have been emotionally distant from your partner due to pressures at work, other preoccupations or simply taking him for granted, it may have caused him to feel neglected and unloved. If your partner feels that you have been merely tolerating him/her while other aspects of your life offer you much more joy and satisfaction, he/she may believe that there is no longer any point in making an effort at lovemaking with you. The solution here is to reassure your partner of your love and devotion. Find time to spend with your beloved and do all the romantic things with which you indulged him/her in the earlier days of your relationship and he/she will surely show a
greater interest in making love to you.

Bedroom boredom

Also before you accuse your partner of being a prude in bed, consider if you have been imposing your sexual likes and dislikes on him/her from the very beginning with the result that he/she is no longer interested in physical intimacy. Indeed bedroom boredom is one of the biggest killers of intimacy in a long term relationship like marriage. Once a couple discovers what works fairly well for them in bed, they are likely to stick to the same routine to minimize mutual dissatisfaction. However the problem here is that the over time, the same routine gets stuck in a rut until one of them is so bored by it that he/she may stop looking forward to sex. Try to think of ways to re-ignite the spark in your marriage. Ask your partner if there is anything special he/she would like to do and within the limits of your safety and comfort, be ready to indulge him/her. Acting out roles or playing adult games could be other fun ways to set the stage sizzling and make your partner only too eager to try out different things.

Engage in non-sexual affection

An unhappy fall-out of desire differences is that couples begin to display fewer evidence of non-sexual affection towards each other. The partner with the lower libido fears that any instance of cuddling or hugging will be interpreted as a sexual invitation while the other partner feels no need of showing affection since he/she knows sex will not follow. However the truth is that engaging in acts of non-sexual acts of affection like kissing, holding hands on a walk or cuddling in front of the TV works both ways to enrich a couple’s sex life – on one hand your partner would feel loved and cherished by acts of affection which in turn would help him/her to be emotionally connected and thus more amenable to sexual experimentation. You on the other hand would realize and take comfort in the fact that such acts of non-sexual affection are important investment needed for a fulfilling sex life.

Get help

If none of your efforts at changing the situation has worked, try and have a chat with your partner.  This is especially useful if you know that your partner was different before when you both enjoyed uninhibited sex. Sit down together, without any distractions or other people being around, and have a discussion about the marriage and the lack of intimacy. Avoid calling your partner a prude as he/she may take offense to the term. Tell your beloved, in honest and upfront terms, why you feel deprived and rejected due to the lack of intimacy between the two of you. Ask your partner to tell you directly why he/she does not feel the desire to have more fulfilling sex with you. If your partner does not want to have the discussion or nothing comes of it, it may be best to take professional help. While underlying medical causes should be treated by a physician, psychological issues like stress, mid-life crisis are best negotiated with the help of a therapist. Relationship issues like jealousy and infidelity are other causes of differing sex drives which again require the intervention of a counselor or therapist.